I was signing books at Barnes & Noble in Tampa last week, and something struck me. People would walk right past my table, eyes down, moving fast, like making eye contact might cost them something. A few even did that thing where they angle their whole body away, just in case I might say hello.
At first I thought, okay, maybe they think I’m going to sell them something. And sure, some of that is probably true. We’ve all gotten defensive around anyone standing behind a table with a stack of books and a smile. But the more I sat with it, the more I realized this isn’t really about book signings at all. It’s about something bigger that’s happening to all of us.
We’ve stopped looking at each other.
TL;DR: People increasingly avoid eye contact and small talk with strangers, not because they dislike connection, but because they consistently overestimate the risk of rejection and underestimate how much they and the other person will enjoy the interaction. Research from the University of Chicago backs this up. Simple habits like making eye contact, saying hi, giving a genuine compliment, and asking one real question can reverse the pattern.
What I Noticed
It wasn’t just the avoided eye contact. It was the absence of small things that used to be automatic:
- A simple “hi” as someone walks by
- A compliment tossed out just because
- A moment of small talk with a stranger
- Genuine curiosity about the person next to you
I started paying attention a few days later on my flight home from Scotland. An entire row of people sat shoulder to shoulder for hours without a single word passed between them. Everyone had headphones in, eyes on a screen, present in body only. And I get it. I’ve done the same thing. But it made me wonder: when did we decide that connection with strangers wasn’t worth the risk?
Why This Is Happening
I don’t have a perfect answer, but here’s what I think is going on, and it turns out there’s real psychology behind it too.
We’re protecting our energy in a world that already asks too much of it. After a full day of notifications, meetings, and decisions, a stranger’s small talk can feel like one more demand on a tank that’s already empty.
We’ve been trained to expect an angle. Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that when someone approaches us with a smile, they usually want something. A sale, a signature, a follow. So we’ve built a reflex to protect ourselves from it, even when nothing is actually being asked of us.
Screens gave us permission to disappear. A phone in hand is the modern version of crossing your arms. It signals “I’m not available” without anyone having to say it out loud.
We’re wired to expect rejection that almost never comes. A meta-analysis of over 2,300 people by psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Erica Boothby found people consistently underestimate how much they would enjoy talking to a stranger, how interested a stranger would be in talking to them, and how much a stranger would end up liking them. A separate University of Chicago study found commuters who talked to a stranger on their train ride had a more positive experience than they expected, and were almost never rejected. In other words, the awkward, unwanted conversation we’re all bracing for almost never actually happens. We’re avoiding a risk that exists mostly in our own heads.
None of this means people don’t want connection. It means we’ve gotten remarkably good at predicting rejection that isn’t actually coming, and that fear is enough to keep us looking down.
What We’re Actually Losing
Here’s the part that stays with me. Every person we don’t look at, don’t greet, don’t ask a question of, is a door we never open. And you genuinely never know what’s behind that door.
The stranger next to you on a plane might be a client you’d never have met, or the biggest cheerleader you’ve never had, or someone who says exactly the thing you needed to hear that day. The person browsing the shelf next to you at a bookstore might become a friend, a collaborator, or just a five-minute conversation that reminds you people are actually pretty wonderful when you give them a chance.
We’re not just losing small talk. We’re losing possibility.
How to Do This Differently
You don’t need a personality transplant to change this. You need a few small, repeatable habits.
Look up first. Before you reach for your phone or glance away, try just looking at the person in front of you. Eye contact is free, and it’s the first sign of “I see you.”
Say hi, even if you don’t have to. At the checkout counter. In the elevator. Next to you at the gate. A simple hello costs nothing and often gets one back.
Give the compliment. If you notice something, say it. Great shoes, great energy, great laugh. You don’t need a reason. A genuine compliment can be the best part of someone’s day, including yours.
Ask one real question. “What brought you here today?” “Where are you headed?” “How’s your day going, really?” People light up when someone shows real curiosity about them.
Stay curious instead of guarded. Not everyone who approaches you wants something from you. Most people just want to be seen. Give them the benefit of the doubt before you give them the cold shoulder.
The Real Shift
This isn’t about becoming an extrovert or talking to everyone everywhere all the time. It’s about remembering that the people around you, in line, on a plane, at a bookstore, are not obstacles to get through. They’re opportunities to learn something, feel something, or make someone’s day a little better.
That day in Tampa taught me something I wasn’t expecting to learn. The people who walked past without looking up weren’t rude. They were protecting themselves from something that probably wasn’t even a threat. And I think a lot of us are doing exactly the same thing, walking through our days a little too guarded to let anyone in.
So here’s my challenge, to you and to me. Look up. Say hi. Give the compliment. Ask the question. You never know what you’ll learn, who you’ll meet, or what one small moment of connection might turn into.
Most people aren’t avoiding eye contact because they dislike others. They’re protecting their energy, reacting to a learned wariness of being sold something, and unconsciously predicting a rejection that almost never actually happens.
Yes. Research from the University of Chicago found that people consistently underestimate how much they’ll enjoy a conversation with a stranger, how interested that stranger will be in them, and how much the stranger will end up liking them.
Start small. Make eye contact before looking away, offer a simple hello, give a genuine compliment when something stands out, and ask one real question instead of sticking to surface-level small talk.
Eye contact is the simplest signal that you see another person. It’s often the first step toward connection, and skipping it, even unintentionally, can make interactions feel colder than either person intends.
